My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
