he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
