I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
