matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
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