just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
