i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
