Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
