remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
