sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
