This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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