fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
