I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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