in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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