I wish you could order shots online.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
