I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
