so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
