My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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