Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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