I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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