I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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