You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
