I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
