did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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