I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
