I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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