can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
