Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
i think im in europe. pls send help
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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