i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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