I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
