if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
