his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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