the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
