I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
