I am midnight drunk by noon
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
