I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
