Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
