Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
