Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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