How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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