Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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