Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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