FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
