yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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