Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I could make wine with my vomit
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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