i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
