Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i believe in u and ur pee
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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