i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
