Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
