You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
