Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
