Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
