it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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